checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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