I bet he comes in French.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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