the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
