This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
