that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
