I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
