just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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