AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
