Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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