On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
