i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
