is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
