My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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