I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
