Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So much rum. So many feels.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
