I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
