have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
