that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
