im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
