Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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