at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
