I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
