dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
