omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
