Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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