I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
