that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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