What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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