I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
