My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
