I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
