Soap is not a condiment
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
