ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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