He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
