I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
