Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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