Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
