I hate all girls vehemently.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
