It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
