Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
