I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
