Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
how do flat chested girls get laid?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
