I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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