My sheets look like a crime scene.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
