He is an equal opportunity slut.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
