I bet he comes in French.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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