At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
