Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
