i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
