clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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