The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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