I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
