He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
