I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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